I've always been an enthusiastic person. I like to jump from one project to the next (literally running, when possible) with my knobs turned to 11. I tend to do well on relatively short action cycles; getting started on (and being ready to move on from) tasks sooner than my more methodical peers. I like to jump in with both feet. And I like to say yes! when people ask me to do things, or collaborate on projects. This is partly because I genuinely like doing things, partly because I like to support well-intentioned projects, and partly because I want to be a generous person — someone who who helps out, pitches in, and, when reasonable, says yes rather than no. These things have gotten me in a lot of good places, brought me enjoyment (and plenty of hard work!), and in general I'm grateful for the results.

However, I've read the books. I've followed the blogs. And one thing they agree on: you need to be able to say no. In order to have your best effect in the world, you need to be able to choose (to a reasonable extent, at least) what your energy and attention goes on. This is vital. Otherwise, a great person with the best intentions can get side-tracked. They can end up using their life-force on projects that don't line up with their goals and aspirations, don't tap their unique skills, and don't contribute to the rest of the world in as meaningful a way as they could.

This being the case, how do we remain open and generous, be willing to say yes to people and help them out, while also being able to choose what we focus on so that our efforts are cumulative, and work towards the best possible overall outcome? This has been a tricky project for me. Below are some observations and techniques I've found helpful.

Create a Personal Hierarchy of Priorities:
This helps me choose what projects are important to me, how to prioritize my time, and what things line up well with my overall life roadmap. This can be something like: family → business → friends → volunteering. Or any other designation that you have decided on. The premise is that one thing takes priority over the next. This means if an opportunity comes up that's on a lower rung you have a simple yes/no choice on whether to accept it or not: if it conflicts with something you've placed on a higher rung of your hierarchy of priorities, the answer is no, but if it doesn't seem to be conflicting with anything higher up the ladder, that you can go ahead and say yes.

Separate out the Reasons:
I find it can be helpful to separate out the reasons why I might want to say yes or no to a specific request. Sometimes I'll get a job offer or request from a friend. The job part of the offer will clearly be a no, but I would still like to help out the friend, be kind, or even visit with them. Sometimes the offer will be a combination of a request to hang out, help them, and do a "job". And this isn't usually a happy combination for me. In these cases, I try to separate out the request, follow through with the part that's mutually beneficial, and decline the part that's not a good match. An example of this would be: if a friend asks me to come do a job for them (paid) and hang out while I'm at it or have tea. I would likely respond with an grateful yes to the hanging out part, and a (hopefully) graceful no to the job part, unless it was something that actually lined up with my professional skills. I might try and redirect the job part of the offer to some more suitable candidate by providing a good recommendation for someone else to hire. It's great to know a collection of good people who offer services such as tech support, proof-reading, website help, or anything else you can do, and people tend to ask you to do, but you're not actually very good at, and or don't enjoy. In my opinion this is much better than struggling though the job, not wanting to, just to be nice, while the other person thinks they're doing a nice thing by offering it to me. Another option in this situation is to take on the job purely as a favour. This means I do employ my professional skills on their behalf, but don't accept any monetary exchange, and treat it as a favour for the acquaintance, or maybe in exchange for their help in some other area.

Exit the Vortex:
I've written about this technique before as a way to avoid impulse purchases. The tactic is to simply force myself to exit the gravitational pull of whatever the thing is (ie: get outside the store if it's in a store) before making any decisions about it. Not only does this protect against getting sold things I don't want or need (on the phone or in person), in the literal sense, it also works for avoiding getting talked into things, or getting reeled in by fascinating individuals for non-commercial purposes. When making decisions on possible commitments, I try to exit the vortex and make my decision on neutral ground.

The Three Second Rule:
In my experience, this is a good way to curb my knee-jerk habit of saying yes to things regardless of if I want to, or it's a good idea – something I've been trying to get better at. The strategy is: when asked about something, even if it feels awkward, take the time to think about it for three seconds before responding yes or no.

"Let Me Think About It"
Similar to exiting the vortex, and the three second rule, this is a way to let the pressure off enough that you can make the right decision. For those of us who like to respond to all inquiries in a timely manner, this is a good way to acknowledge the offer right away, while gracefully delaying the actual decision a little. I find this approach useful especially with offers and requests that come in by email. The tactic is to respond right away with a short message expressing my gratitude for the offer and saying that I'll consider it and let them know shortly. This means the other person knows you received their message, and that you're giving some respectful consideration. It also indicates that I take my commitments seriously and just because they ask me to do something doesn't mean I'm necessarily going to automatically do it for them. I think it helps to remind myself of this also.

If it's not a definite yes, then it should definitely be a no:
For projects that are going to take a lot of time and energy, it's worth making sure they are really lined up with your aims. Otherwise, they will be pulling energy away from what you actually want to be focusing and working on. Sometimes a good test for this is asking yourself "is this project something I definitely want to take on?" If it's not a clear yes, it's likely a bit lukewarm, and therefor might not be something to dive into. This is a tactic I incorporated after reading High Performance Habits, one of my all-time favourite books.

How many opportunities to turn down scales with how busy you are. If you have better opportunities available, no makes perfect sense. But when you're expanding into a new field, sometimes taking even so-so opportunities, and doing an amazing job, leads to new, better opportunities.

Everything I Say Yes to, Means I'm Saying No to Something Else:
This can be a depressing outlook, especially for the type of person who likes to do and be part of everything, but it's also kind of true. Any time I'm working on one project, there are probably at least two or three equally worthy projects that I could be working on with the same slot of time and energy. Since this is the case, it's good to remember that it is the case, especially when I'm about to commit to something.

Get a Wingman:
It can be helpful to have a more methodical/conservative friend or buddy you can run ideas by before committing to them. They can provide a useful (if sometimes annoying) perspective or second opinion on if you should say yes or no. This is also a good idea with estimates. Some of us tend to chronically underestimate, and an external perspective can help pull the wool off our heads on how long something is going to take.

Conclusion: I hope this article is helpful, and not too depressing, for any other yes people out there who like to take on the whole world at once, but also want to avoid being dragged from one commitment to another, or pulled in so many different directions at once that the quality of your work suffers. And hopefully it helps you select and work on your unique highest-value contribution to the world, rather than whatever random thing someone asks you to do for them, which someone else could do just as well or better than you could.

Further Reading:
A Better Way to Say No
High Performance Habits
7 Habits of Highly Effective People